All the other ultimate guides to Marketing, Analytics, Sales, Hacking will help you at work. But this guide is created keeping every husband’s survival at home.
Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Ever wondered why many countries are focussing on Mars expeditions, but not even one is even thinking about getting to Venus. It’s because it’s hard to understand the expectations of women on earth and it will be next to impossible to understand the Venus inhabitants 🙂
We will look at various scenarios where you the husband feel you have gone the extra mile in making something happen but your wife will come and question,
“ What has happened? “
What she says: Clean the room
What she expects you to do: Pick up everything that’s lying on the floor and sort them according to where they belong, sweep the place and if possible, mop the place clean.
What you do: Pick up everything that’s lying on the floor and put them all together in some other place/room at an eye level so that she does not ask you to clean that room. Go back to the original room that you just cleaned and convince yourself that it is clean. Pick one object that you have found out from your cleaning adventures, relive the memories about the object and walk to her to share the same with her and she asks you ” Have you cleaned the room? ”
What she says: Make dosas for me today
What she expects you to do: Make dosas for her that day.
What you do: Struggle to make the first dosa and blame the tawa. Try your best to take it in bits and pieces and sweep the bits and pieces under the stove praying that she will not find out. Trash the first dosa because it did not come properly or gulp it depending on how much survived your culinary skills.
Then get creative and think of making a heart-shaped dosa clearly forgetting that when a circle did not work, the heart will not work either. The heart breaks and your heart breaks and you can hear her approaching you and your heart beats faster and you start making a fresh dosa and she gives one look and goes back to what she is doing.
Sometime in the afternoon, she shouts, “ Come here” from the kitchen and you know she found the dosa bits from under the stove.
What she says: Switch on the TV
What she expects you to do: Switch on the TV, switch to AV mode and pick a music channel that she can listen to from wherever she is and adjust the volume to an extent that reaches her ears but not the neighbors’.
What you do: Switch on the TV and go back to your computer making her listen to endless tele-ads of Dual SIM phone at 999 or Diabetes tablets or Sauna slim belts in Hindi.
What she says: Let’s watch a movie before we sleep
What she expects you to do: Pick one movie each in the following genres – Animation, Fantasy, Thriller, Horror, Sci-Fi, and Romance. Watch the first 2 minutes in each one and eventually choose the Animation movie to watch.
What you do: Pick a Liam Neeson or Bruce Willis movie and start playing that.
What she says: Nothing to snack at home.
What she expects you to do: Come back from work and take her to the supermarket nearby so that she can buy all things except the one thing she came for. And in the process, walk a few kilometers with her going through all the aisles back and forth wondering what she is looking for, all the time. And while billing, you are expected to wait in the long line while she goes around picking stuff from here and there while you are thinking like a time-bomb if she will reach before you finish the billing. Come back home and open the Health app to discover you have walked for 3 kilometers in the last one hour.
What you do: Buy Cheetos cheese balls and come back home.
What she says: I am not hungry. You order anything you like. I will take little from that.
What she expects you to do: Pass on the menu card and let her decide on that one item that strikes the sweet spot between what you need to eat and what she wants to eat.
What you do: Trust what she said was true and order whatever you feel like only to see her looking at you the strange way when you offer her.
What she says: So tell me. How was your day?
What she expects you to do: Good or bad (1 mark question)
What you do: Start with how you climbed the stairs because the lift was under maintenance, the emails you sent your client and his replies, your boss appreciating you for your recent efforts and giving you a hint on the possible “Employee of the month ” award and your colleague bringing her pup because it was “Bring your pets to work day “. Then your wife interrupts the conversation with her eyes gleaming and says ” Awwww. What was the puppy’s name? ”
What she says: I am fine.
What she expects you to do: Ask her the same question half a dozen times and notice the difference in the way ” I am fine ” is said every time. Recall the incidents that happened from the beginning of time to that point of time and try to find that one thing that you did that must have pissed her off. Once you arrive at the answer, check with her for half a dozen times and then she will acknowledge that it’s the one. Apologize for your mistake and you are free.
What you do: Say ” I am also fine ” and laugh at that silly joke yourself and proceed to watch IPL
Disclaimer: No men were harmed for sharing their experiences during the making of this article. All resemblances to your personal life are strictly coincidental.
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