The Ultimate Guide to understanding what your wife says

Understanding what your wife says
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 All the other ultimate guides to Marketing, Analytics, Sales, Hacking will help you at work. But this guide is created keeping every husband’s survival at home.

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Ever wondered why many countries are focussing on Mars expeditions, but not even one is even thinking about getting to Venus. It’s because it’s hard to understand the expectations of women on earth and it will be next to impossible to understand the Venus inhabitants 🙂

We will look at various scenarios where you the husband feel you have gone the extra mile in making something happen but your wife will come and question,

“ What has happened? “


What she says: Clean the room

What she expects you to do: Pick up everything that’s lying on the floor and sort them according to where they belong, sweep the place and if possible, mop the place clean.

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What you do: Pick up everything that’s lying on the floor and put them all together in some other place/room at an eye level so that she does not ask you to clean that room. Go back to the original room that you just cleaned and convince yourself that it is clean. Pick one object that you have found out from your cleaning adventures, relive the memories about the object and walk to her to share the same with her and she asks you ” Have you cleaned the room? ”


What she says: Make dosas for me today

What she expects you to do: Make dosas for her that day.

dosa

What you do: Struggle to make the first dosa and blame the tawa. Try your best to take it in bits and pieces and sweep the bits and pieces under the stove praying that she will not find out. Trash the first dosa because it did not come properly or gulp it depending on how much survived your culinary skills.

Then get creative and think of making a heart-shaped dosa clearly forgetting that when a circle did not work, the heart will not work either. The heart breaks and your heart breaks and you can hear her approaching you and your heart beats faster and you start making a fresh dosa and she gives one look and goes back to what she is doing.

Sometime in the afternoon, she shouts, “ Come here” from the kitchen and you know she found the dosa bits from under the stove.


What she says: Switch on the TV

What she expects you to do: Switch on the TV, switch to AV mode and pick a music channel that she can listen to from wherever she is and adjust the volume to an extent that reaches her ears but not the neighbors’.

What you do: Switch on the TV and go back to your computer making her listen to endless tele-ads of Dual SIM phone at 999 or Diabetes tablets or Sauna slim belts in Hindi.


What she says: Let’s watch a movie before we sleep

What she expects you to do: Pick one movie each in the following genres – Animation, Fantasy, Thriller, Horror, Sci-Fi, and Romance. Watch the first 2 minutes in each one and eventually choose the Animation movie to watch.

What you do: Pick a Liam Neeson or Bruce Willis movie and start playing that.

liamneeson


What she says: Nothing to snack at home.

What she expects you to do: Come back from work and take her to the supermarket nearby so that she can buy all things except the one thing she came for. And in the process, walk a few kilometers with her going through all the aisles back and forth wondering what she is looking for, all the time. And while billing, you are expected to wait in the long line while she goes around picking stuff from here and there while you are thinking like a time-bomb if she will reach before you finish the billing. Come back home and open the Health app to discover you have walked for 3 kilometers in the last one hour.

supermarket

What you do: Buy Cheetos cheese balls and come back home.

cheetos


What she says: I am not hungry. You order anything you like. I will take little from that.

What she expects you to do: Pass on the menu card and let her decide on that one item that strikes the sweet spot between what you need to eat and what she wants to eat.

What you do: Trust what she said was true and order whatever you feel like only to see her looking at you the strange way when you offer her.


What she says: So tell me. How was your day?

What she expects you to do: Good or bad (1 mark question)

What you do: Start with how you climbed the stairs because the lift was under maintenance, the emails you sent your client and his replies, your boss appreciating you for your recent efforts and giving you a hint on the possible “Employee of the month ” award and your colleague bringing her pup because it was “Bring your pets to work day “.  Then your wife interrupts the conversation with her eyes gleaming and says ” Awwww. What was the puppy’s name? ”

giphy (2)


What she says: I am fine.

What she expects you to do: Ask her the same question half a dozen times and notice the difference in the way ” I am fine ” is said every time. Recall the incidents that happened from the beginning of time to that point of time and try to find that one thing that you did that must have pissed her off. Once you arrive at the answer, check with her for half a dozen times and then she will acknowledge that it’s the one. Apologize for your mistake and you are free.

math

What you do: Say ” I am also fine ” and laugh at that silly joke yourself and proceed to watch IPL


Disclaimer: No men were harmed for sharing their experiences during the making of this article. All resemblances to your personal life are strictly coincidental.

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Predictions for the partnership – Whatsapp and Facebook

Facebook buys Whatsapp - Whats Next?
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Facebook has acquired Whatsapp for a whopping 19 Billion dollars. After going through all the posts on my Newsfeed from my school super juniors to my uncles and aunties, I wanted to predict what differences would each of the companies undergo. This is just a figment of my imagination. So no suing ok.

Facebook buys Whatsapp - Whats Next?

Facebook buys Whatsapp – Whats Next?

1. Last Seen on :

One of the best features of Whatsapp which gives you a Last Seen on information will get even smarter. It will say interesting messages about your Facebook usage to the people who look you up on Whatsapp.

” Last online on Facebook at … ”

” Is on Facebook. Catch him there ”

“is playing Farmville ”

” is inviting you to play Candy Crush Saga. Run ”

2. Tick Marks

When your message gets delivered on Whatsapp, there are two tick marks. This will be replaced by a Like Symbol – The famous thumbs up one (Come on WordPress, We badly need these symbols).

Here is a improvisation.

Sent – Fist

Delivered – Thumbs Up

3. Sending Pictures from Facebook

You are using Facebook on phone and you find a interesting meme – No downloading and saving and forwarding with Whatsapp.

You will be able to do it directly.

4. Profile Picture

One upload – Both to Facebook and Whatsapp at the same time

5. Suggested Contacts / Sponsored Contacts

Name says it all. This will never happen but idea thrills

6. Friend Request

A girl approves your friend request on Facebook. You have her contact on Whatsapp.

You can call her and surprise her – ” Hey. Thanks for approving my friend request ”

This is the dream.

7. Events

When a Facebook event is created, all the members who are going to the group will be added to a Whatsapp Group.

The one who created the Facebook event will be the group admin.

8. Birthdays

Every birthday message posted by your friend on your wall will be a Whatsapp Message to you.

On your birthday, your last seen will be changed to

” Celebrating Birthday today ”

We forget birthdays alright – We always wish them the next day

” Celebrated birthday yesterday ”

Eureka.

What else can we expect ?

 

Apps Apps Apps Everywhere

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It is the age of the smart phones and this is going to be the same for the next few years. Wonder how long the Samsung Galaxy S series is gonna go to ? How many extra rows will get added to Iphone 5? The problem with these people is that they never stop innovating. And the worst part is all their innovations have a validity of one year. Mid way through the year, you start seeing the leaked pictures and rumors and you have already started getting bored of your existing device and its so called innovative features. There are more phones from a brand than the total no of phones that were available a few years back. With the advent of the smart phones, a lot of things have changed but are they really that smart ?

If they had chosen the name ‘smart’ for the looks, I can understand as the phones these days are so beautiful and slender. Noone would have forgotten the Nokia mobile phone that was only a little lesser in size than a cordless phone. Then the times changed and as we needed the comfort in handling the devices, the size of the phones became smaller. As they say History repeats itself, now the trend is large size phones that are only a little lesser in size than a tablet.

The best way to choose a phone would be to place it on your ears and take a call and ask your friend whether he can see your face. I remember my friend who has a very small face and when he picked a 5 ” phone, i could not locate his face when i tried spotting him from the side. For a moment i thought there was nothing behind the phone. 🙂 And you have to be extra cautious when you drive on Indian Roads. Phone would fly off if it was on your shirt pocket.

The word Market has been very active in the mobile space such that when elders utter the word market or market place, Play store comes to your mind first. There may be 10 lakh apps in the market but we use only a select few probably ten to thirty max. Not more than that but still the market for the mobile applications is still growing. These apps are so closely related in functionality that when you have one, you will never go for another one. There is no emotional attachment with any application as as the months pass, you will hear your friend recommending a new app. So you do the one click uninstall just like that.

One confusing thing is when a app is available for 2 mb and you download it and after a week, it gets updated and the update comes to 10 mb. I have a strong feeling that there is not much of a change in the application after the update. When you click for more information, they confuse you with the jargons – Bug Fixes, Version 2.3 n stuff.

Indian English definitely needs to be incorporated in the Voice Assistants and whenever i ask for something it answers or does something else. I once said ” Call Rakesh ” and I ended up speaking to my old friend Rajesh for a good twenty minutes. Worst part – You can’t tell your friends that you called by mistake 🙂

Lot of people have quit running – I mean the Temple Running. You keep running for months together and yet you don’t finish the game. Loved Mario back then. Every level had a happy ending. That feeling when I had when i got hold of Road Rash after so many years – It was Awesome to the power of n.  I don’t think these applications and games that run on the smart phones are memorable. We keep changing. The only apps that stays for a long time are Dictionary and Flashlight.

Am not a big fan of powerful smart phones but over the years I have understood something.

” You will never ever ever be satisfied with what your phone does “. There is always something that’s not there.

Smartphones and Apps

Apps Apps Apps Everywhere

Rest in Peace – English

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In India,  English is the Language which is widely spoken but not correctly spoken. There have been a lot of instances where we tend to feel that this state in India must improve. A Classic speech that best suits the above said lines. I was laughing out loud for quite some time.

A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school

in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as

was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly

on Independence Day.

Here’s his dynamite speech : Leddies and Gentulmens,

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May God be with You

Contemporaries, Children, “This is my first maiden speech.   If

small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly

speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the

following reason.

Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation

in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I

put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk.

At first she also rejected. I then praised her for long time and

at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son.

Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible

for getting birth of my son.

We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who

get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our

birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our

birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the

Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or

looking at your behind. Be like great like X’ raj Ranjan of

Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.

You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety

seven percent evaporation.  They became great by reading great

books.  After we finish you here in the school, you can go to

college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can

become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants,

or leacherers in college.

The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil.

We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your

heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come

in newspapers.  Only yesterday I saw in paper “Wanted for

refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors” so

and so forth, etc.  These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise.

If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.

I am now ending this fastly.  My God blast you!   Thank you and

thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!”

Man’s best Friend Vs Me

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This blog is for all the people who have exhibited symptoms of Cynophobia in the past and the present. Even after the Hutch ads I still fear dogs no matter what breed and what height. Every fear has a beginning like in the Batman series, the hero eventually overcomes the same becoming the Batman. Sadly when one is scared of dogs there is no other choice ( Nolan is not gonna make a movie about a dog man)

Here I am, presenting my awesome nah awful experiences that I have had with the man’s best friend – sadly am a man and it is definitely not my best friend.

The history dates back to the time when I was 7 years old. Those days there was no DTH so that you cannot sit with the remote in hand and navigate through the channels that you have no clue about. So when my mom wanted me to check whether there was cable reception in the neighborhood since it wasn’t there in our house, I went to the next house and knocked the gate.

There was an old man who was in his late sixties who opened the gate and let me in. There are a lot of advantages being a kid. You will be let into every other house in the neighborhood without any hassle. But when you grow up neighbors see the guy next door as a potential heart throb and they tend to be little more hostile. Sadly the growing up part did not happen much to me and there was no hottie next door as well.

Coming back to the story, I went into the house and asked the aunty what my mom wanted me to and returned back to the door. Little did I know that apart from the grandpa who let me in there was also a silent spectator watching me closely. Compared to the Pomeranian that you see these days which just barks and revolves around a fixed radius, the dog that I saw was more active and more importantly – gaining a steady acceleration.

Right before me was the 5 foot tall gate and the grandpa was nowhere nearby. In the  next few seconds i was climbing the gate at a brisk pace out of the fear and i jumped on the other side.I kept rolling on the road continuously until i came to a stop hitting a tree. Bruises all over. I am pretty sure even if i had been bitten by the small dog i wouldn’t be that injured.

This is why i am still not comfortable with the man’s best friend. Based on my observations in these long years, I would like to mention something. One thing that is very crucial is your eye contact. Never look into the eye of the dog that you see on the road. The moment you have done that, it is chase @ first sight. There have been days when i have biked an extra kilometer to avoid a dog waiting to run behind a bike. I am sure we have all held our legs high when these dogs chase you through the streets.

Maybe dogs are the sweetest

dog

Dogs vs me

but they are choosy in making friends 🙂

Punch Dialogue – A Case Study

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I began to wonder about when this trend started. This has become an integral part of Indian Cinema. For a few months I thought it was only prevalent in Tamil Movies but it is something that is omnipresent through out the nation. As soon as i say Punch dialogue, everyone remembers one of their funny heroes and their punch dialogues. Smile to yourself.

Why the name ‘ Punch Dialogue’ ? It might be because the dialogue is usually followed by a punch( or a kick not necessarily a left footed kick) that leaves the miscreants flying in the air leaving a huge puff of dust around the hero who walks through the same without coughing.

There is something in common when every punch dialogue is delivered. Unlike other dialogues in the movie, this one has a certain way in which it has to be delivered. The hero has to stand still, look into the eye of the villain and complete the procedure and of course combined with a strong back ground score / silence. When this deed is done, either of the below things might happen

1. There will be a ‘ Yeiiiii’ sound resonating from the Villain and the hero will do what he is good at.

2. There will be this one rogue from the villain’s side running towards the hero from the back and the hero’s elbow would suffice.

3. The Villain might change into a better person leaving the audience laughing

4. Villain will have a counter punch dialogue to answer the hero ( These days they do need one – they cannot get hit all the time )

Initially it was just one dialogue that the hero repeats all through the movie but these days they have come up with different flavors according to the situation. In a few movies when the hero delivers the lines, in the backdrop a few buildings and mountains explode. I mean seriously? What wrong did they do.

Next time you see a movie with punch dialogues, all that you can do is just feel sorry for the villain who must have listened to that many a times during the shoot 🙂

Smile

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Shane Warne twists his tongue and comes out with the magical delivery and Sachin comes down the line and hits him over the mid-on for a six. A six doesn’t deter the spinning great’s confidence but the Six followed by Sachin’s smile does.

Shoaib takes a long run up before he hits the deck with a delivery breezing past the one fifty mark and Dravid just makes sure its well left and there again Dravid’s smile is gonna haunt Shoaib for ages together.

We have known smile to be positive for quite some time but if we analyze it, it can be the most powerful weapon against our Ra-Ones. It is contagious for its transmittable. Just try smiling at someone for no reason at all.The Why question comes only after the smile.

Smile once at the waiter when you order and he will ensure things are served to you in a better way. Smile once to the Traffic Police when you are out without a license and sure you will be penalised. Some things never change.

It can save you a lot of trouble in places where you are unaware of vernacular language. Even your basic hand signs may prove offensive. Just smile. New born have a tendency to look at the faces with the smile. I read this in a book and tried this out.But it turned out to be a fatal mistake. That kid din stop crying for hours together.

Research proves that there are 18 different types of smiles which can represent different meanings. Scientists have been continuously working on identifying and understanding a specific smile. But they have tasted royal failures from time to time. Its something that is quite hard to understand and quite easy to misunderstand.

I don’t think there is any necessity to disclose which smile is that. Kudos to those who understood.For others tune into Chutti TV.